Ed, Edd, n' Eddy Z: Ep. 1: War of the Cul-De-Sac

Ed, Edd, n Eddy Z: Episode One: War of the Cul-De-Sac

(Double Dee is under some type of mechanism, with a red tool box right beside him. Eddy is handing the tools to Double Dee, while Ed is standing in front of the garage where the Eds have made their home base.)

Eddy: Yo, Sockhead! Could you be any slower?! It could be any minute before those freakin’… er… things get here!

(Double Dee slides out from under the odd mechanism.)

Edd: Patience, Eddy. This device is a little hard to work with. It’s very intriguing, though. This mechanism appears to exceed my previous theories and calculations. By its physical appearance, I would say it is some type of advanced technological weapon. Unfortunately, that’s all I can say about it since its structure is far too complicated for me to describe.

(Eddy casts a look of frustation at Double Dee as Double Dee slides back under the mechanism.)

Eddy: Well, it doesn’t matter what the heck it is, anyway. If it looks like some weapon, then maybe we can use it to bring in the dough!

(Dollar signs replace Eddy’s eyes.)

(Edd slides out from under the machine again.)

Edd: Really, Eddy? You’re concerned about receiving financial gain from this sophisticated machine?

(Edd is answered by one of Ed’s odd phrases.)

Ed: Ah!!! Don’t shoot, alien mutants! For we come in peace! See?

(Ed holds out his opened hand, revealing a wriggling worm.)

Ed: That thing looks so cool! It looks just like the Sonic Cannon in Alien Mutant: Wrath of the Ectoplasman!

(Ed straightens up and puts on a tough guy act.)

Ed: Surrender, mutant scum! For I am too good for you!

Edd: Umm… That’s nice… Ed…Err…Eddy, can you hand me the monkey wrench?


(Eddy rummages around in the red tool box and produces a monkey wrench.)

Eddy: Here ya’ go, Double Dee.

Edd: Thank you, Eddy.

MEANWHILE…

(The other kids of the Cul-De-Sac are stationed at Rolf’s house, as it holds the most supplies and weapons. They are currently assigning duties and discussing battle strategies.)

Kevin: Okay, so Fluffy and Loudmouth have tonight’s watch, while me and Rolf’ll go and weapon hunting, which leaves Nazz and Fuzzhead--

Johnny: And Plank!

Kevin: Err… Right… and Plank’ll guard the supplies.

Nazz: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re kidding me, right? I don’t mind doing my job with Johnny, but I don’t know about Jimmy and Sarah, Kev. I mean, no offense, but I’d rather trust Plank to do that. There’s really no telling how badly they can screw this job up.

Kevin: Uhh… Nazz, you might wanna shut your trap…

(Kevin points his finger behind Nazz and she turns around, only to be greeted by the angry face of Sarah.)

Sarah: OH REALLY!? You’d rather trust THAT piece of wood to keep watch!? Have any more suggestions?! Maybe we should trust those androids to hold our weapons! Would you like that, Nazz?! Would you!? OR-or maybe--

Nazz: Hey! It’s not my fault that you and Jim get distracted so easy!

Sarah: Oh, hey! I’m the Blonde Cutie! Oh you’re not doing it right cause I said so, and-

(Nazz and Sarah’s argument continues to escalate, while Jimmy and Johnny try to resolve the conflict. During all the confusion, Rolf and Kevin sneak out.)

Kevin: I just don’t get those losers(except Nazz, she’s cool.). I each give them one thing to do, but then they start fighting about it. I just don’t get it, Rolf.

Rolf: Rolf agrees. Even when Nana and Papa had laid upon Rolf the duties of a son of a shepherd, Rolf never dishonored Nana and Papa.

Kevin: Really, Rolf? I’d bet you a quarter that you--

(Kevin stops and finds Rolf staring at something.)

Kevin: Rolf? Dude?

(Rolf simply points his finger to a large silhouette. Kevin looks at the dark shape, gaping.)

Kevin: Huh!? What the dork nuggets is that!?

(The shape moves closer.)

Kevin: H-Hey! I-If you come a-any closer, I’m g-gonna p-pound ya!

(The shape still moves closer.)

Kevin: No! Wait! I was just-! A-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Rolf: NANA! ASSIST ROLF! ROLF NEEDS NANA! NANAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

(At the Eds’ base of operations.)

Eddy: What was that?

(Ed runs in and slams the garage door shut.)

Ed: IT’S THE ROBOT MUTANTS, YOU GUYS! THEY GOT KEVIN AND ROLF!

Eddy: What?! No way!? I wanted to get that D-bag myself, but they got Kevin and Rolf!? Man…

(Edd slides out from under the machine again.)

Edd: What!? Kevin and Rolf!? Are they dead!?

Ed: I don’t know, guys! I just saw some dark thingy get Kevin and Rolf! Maybe it is one of Rulog’s minions!

Edd: Ed, please. Let’s be reasonable here. Take a few breaths. Yes, that’s it. Slowly, slowly. Ok. Now, Ed. Tell me what happened, from start to finish.

Ed: Ok. I saw Rolf and Kevin going down the sidewalk, and then they’re screaming because Rulog’s minion is eating their flesh!

Edd: Ed, please be more realistic.

Ed: I am being as realistic as buttered toast, Double Dee.

Edd: Ed, that doesn’t make any sense…

Ed: I am not a piggy bank, Double Dee.

Edd: No, what I meant was--

Eddy: Shut your yaps, both of ya. If what Lumpy’s saying is true, then we’d better find another place to hide. That door ain’t gonna hold against some monster.

Ed: That’s true. The next time Rulog takes victims, he’ll come for us next!

(Ed dives under a table and tries to hide.)

Edd: Ed, how many times must I tell you? Rulog doesn’t exist!

Eddy: Yeah, Ed. Get a hold of yourself.

(Ed quietly crawls out.)

Edd: Anyway, if what Ed saw was actually an android, then we’re safe.

Ed & Eddy: WHAT?

Edd: Let me explain. Ever since those androids started coming in, I decided to build a defense mechanism. I managed to construct a force field generator. It’s not much, but it should be able to withstand an android’s power. Besides, the force field can vaporize any hostile being. However, I fear that with the new energy signatures that have been showing up on the radar, the force field may not be enough. So for now, we’re safe.

Eddy: Hold on a minute. If Ed saw an android, then how--?

Edd: Can it pass our base unharmed or undetected? I’m still working on the surveillance device, but how it can pass by unharmed is simple. The range of the force field surrounds only the perimeter of this house. There is also the matter of how large and powerful the android is. Ed? Do you know how large it was?

Ed: Hmmmm…. Oh! Oh! I know! It was about eleventy-seven times bigger than me!

Edd: Err… Ed… Please use real numbers…

Ed: Ummm…
Eddy: I think I can answer that, Sockhead. Just before Monobrow here shut the garage door, I got a glimpse at the thing he saw. From where I was lookin’, it looked like it was five times bigger than Ed.

Edd: Ah, I see… That’s not good, then…

Eddy: What? Why?

Ed: Maybe Rulog’s minions have shoehorns! AHHHH!!

Edd: Ed, please. I say this because of how large it is. Since the War of the Cul-De-Sac began, I’ve been able to calculate the power levels of the androids.

Eddy: Calculate the power--? How the hell do you do that?

Edd: I have no clue. I just know somehow.

Eddy: What do you mean you just know!?

Edd: Well… from what my senses are telling me that the android has a power level of about… 8000 G’s…

Eddy: Hold a second. Your senses? What senses?

Edd: I don’t rightly know, but I can only assume this is the fabled “Sixth Sense”.

Eddy: Sixth Sense?

Edd: Yes. Sixth Sense. It gives me insight on the power of a nearby enemy, which, with my brainpower, I can calculate into--

(There is a loud crash, and the Eds turn to face a huge android staring down at them.)

Edd & Eddy: AHHHHHHH!!!

(The Eds are gaping at the large robot. They notice a wriggling sack slung over its shoulder.)

Kevin: (muffled) Hey! Let me outta’ this bag so I can get my hands on ya’!

Rolf: (muffled) Rolf will show you how the son of a shepherd ties his chickens!

Edd: Those voices… Rolf!?

Eddy: … and Shovel Chin!?
Kevin: I heard that, Dorky!

Android: Silence, inferior meat bags!

Eddy: Did he just call us--?!

Ed: Release them! I care not if you are Rulog’s minion or not! I am too good for you!

(Ed holds up his hands and suddenly, a strange light bursts from his outstretched hands.)

Ed: Meet your maker, menace of metal!

Eddy: HOLY F--K NUGGETS!!

Edd: AHHH!!!

Android: What!?

(The light blankets the entire area.)

(At Kevin’s house. The argument between Nazz and Sarah stops as soon as they see light erupting from the Eds’ base.)

Nazz: WHAT THE--!?

Sarah: HUNH!?

Jimmy: GEE WILLIKERS!!!

Johnny: Wow! Is it the Fourth of July already?

(The light disappears as fast as it had come.)

Sarah: Jeepers! What was that!?

Nazz: Heck if I know!

Jimmy: Whatever it was, it was scary!

(Jimmy cowers behind Sarah.)

Johnny: Aww, are the fireworks gone already? I was hoping for more!

(Back at the Eds’ base, which has now been reduced to a crater.)

(Edd and Eddy crawl out from under the rubble. Ed is still standing, hands outstretched. The android has now been reduced to scrap, thanks to whatever Ed had done. Kevin and Rolf are still wriggling in the sack.)

Eddy: Damn, Ed. What’d you do to the android?

Edd: Ugh! Filthy! Filthy! Darn it!

Kevin: Hey, dorks! Can you at least get us out of this frickin’ sack!?

Rolf: Rolf does not find this prison comfortable like Victor’s stomach!

(Meanwhile, while the Edd and Eddy are trying to untie the sack, a stranger looms overhead, watching.)

Unknown: Hmm… That was no ordinary Ki blast…that was a Kamehameha! Odd…how can he do that without saying the incantation for it? Ah, well. Some can do that without the incantation. Hmmm… Could they be…Yep! Possibly, but I’ll have to observe them a little more to confirm whether they really are Saiyans or not…

It appears that this war is only starting! The Eds have made strange discoveries among themselves! Ed has the power to blast away his opponent with a blue light(Otherwise known as the Kamehameha!), and Edd has the ability to sense an enemy’s presence, which he has dubbed “The Sixth Sense”! They question these newly found powers as, unbeknownst to the Eds, someone looks over them with strong interest. What are these Saiyans the stranger speaks of? What are the Eds possibly capable of? Find out on the next episode of Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy Z!